Elsa's Story

My mom has always set the bar pretty high. Her gifts in wifing, mothering, homemaking, and general holiness are an example I refer to daily in my attempts at Proverbs 31ness.

Her stories of childbirth have always shaped my expectations for the births of my own children. Watching my youngest sister come into this world naturally while my mother passed through pain to joy made me want more than anything to have natural births of my own.

Heidi's birth taught me that a natural birth is not the point, that every birth is miraculous no matter how it all plays out, and that the secret is just letting it all go and loving on your baby.

But I still longed to experience what my mom had--to know the curse and the glory--and what with statistics the way that they are, I knew my chances were best this time around. Despite fears of an induction (and the fears that come with that) we waited. Waited through the final weeks of husband's dissertation and defense, through planting our garden, painting the nursery, deep cleaning my kitchen, planning and executing my studio recital, and what seemed like a zillion other projects crammed into the two weeks prior to Elsa's birth.

My mom was here for those two weeks and kept telling me to rest. Now I know why.

I had a lot more Braxton Hicks contractions with Elsa, so much so that two or three times I really thought it was show time. Husband enjoyed the excitement of announcing this, especially at the Carenet banquet to our pastor and various members of our church. It was an anticlimactic night.

On Thursday, 30 May, I was definitely having contractions, but assumed this was just my life now, so didn't think too much about it. My mom and I wanted to get Heidi's picture taken at Portrait innovations, and she was also treating me to a pedicure (how much does she spoil us?) Plus I wanted to get Heidi's hair cut (we love the lady at Great Clips Bob and Judi introduced us to!). We stopped there first, but our lady wasn't in that day and I hesitated to hand Heidi over to the dude who was clipping. So we didn't get the haircut. And the Portrait place had no openings, so we went to Wal-mart and shopped for random things until our nail appointment. Heidi loved helping mommy with the pedicure and running around the salon afterwards. I noticed that my contractions were still pretty regular, but didn't think too much of it.

By 4 p.m. I thought maybe this was it. Contractions were steady and 10 minutes apart. I thought it would be cool to plant a bunch of seeds to symbolize the imminence of Elsa's arrival, but that did not happen. I tried taking a nap instead. I was going to cook up some chicken wraps, but my mom and Oliver had started whispering to each other so I figured they were cool with making dinner. I mostly played with Heidi blowing bubbles and wandering around the yard. Oliver and I went for a walk with Heidi after dinner, we had our little family worship, and Heidi went to bed.

We figured we'd be going to the hospital sometime that night, and that Elsa would be here sometime the next morning. So we called our superhero, Johannah, who was willing to sleep at our house so we wouldn't need to uproot Heidi in the middle of the night. We said we didn't know when, but maybe soon, is that cool?

The next 5-6 hours were spent packing hospital bags, laying on my bed, and yes, making my labor playlist. Here is what sounded good to me at the time:

Angel Fire/Fernando Ortega
I Will Sing of My Redeemer/Fernando Ortega
'New World' Symphony (Excerpt)/Antonín Dvořák
40/U2
Be Thou My Vision/Ginny Owens
Where Will I Be/Emmylou Harris
Orphan Girl/Emmylou Harris
Till Kingdom Come /Coldplay
In Christ Alone/Celtic Style
dona nobis pacem/Yo yo ma
In the arms of the angels/S. McLachlan
Desert Rose/Sting
The Story/Brandi Carlile
Have You Ever/Brandi Carlile
Sing Your Praise to the Lord/Rich Mullins
If I Stand/Rich Mullins
Sometimes By Step/Rich Mullins
White Horse/Over The Rhine
Sarah's Song/Denison Witmer
One/U2
Down to the River to Pray/Alison Krauss
O Come O Come Emmanuel/Sufjan Stevens
Take My Hand/Dido
Clocks/Coldplay
Lion Song/Harrod & Funck
O The Deep, Deep Love Of Jesus/Third Lobby

We also brought the birthing ball and all the other "tricks" you're supposed to have in your bag, including a picture of Heidi...

At about 1:30 I was having some funny pains that didn't seem contractionesque, so I wanted to go to the hospital just to make sure things were okay. When you read too many birth stories/medical reports on the risks of VBAC and birth in general, you think this way, as I only learned too well in Elsa's birth. I just wanted to hear her heartbeat; I knew it was early, but I was really nervous about our drive to the hospital with the memory of Heidi's hospital trip still fresh in my head. I did not want another frantic hospital ride/wheelchair hijack. So we called Johannah and packed ourselves into the car with Nana. Contractions were about 5 minutes apart, still slow, but regular.

Drive to hospital was completely successful and calm--it definitely set the tone for a very different birth story. We got there, took the stress test; Elsa's heart was great and happy, but I was only 3cm along, so they sent us to walk the walls for "a few hours." I was okay with this; I didn't want to go back home and be dreading the drive again so we stayed there and walked through the hospital from about 3 a.m. until 6:30 a.m. Nana went back home to rest and be there for Heidi in the morning.

We developed a system: 3 contractions for each floor with a rest in between. We decided that once the sun was fully over the mountains, we would go back in to get checked. I don't know if I would have chosen this over again, had I known how long the rest of the labor ride was going to be. However, it was a memory I will always treasure: the serious, inspiring moments (looking at the pictures of the children cancer patients), the shocking moments (stopping into hospital chapel to pray only to find two teenagers tangled up on the floor), the moments of justice (telling on them to the custodians), and the funny moments (like when husband started yelling "ALTO! ALTO!" at me in a southern accent, which was a reference in his brain to a certain Duggars episode, which I had totally forgotten, so for a few strange moments I was wondering if we were going to have to check him into his own ward...we were both pretty tired at this point--ONLY the beginning!), and the moments of pure bliss (the hospital sells dippin dots at 4 a.m.!).

By 6:30 we were up on the 6th floor watching the sunrise over the mountains and thanking the Lord that our "long night" was over. Oh, had we only known...

We went back to triage to get checked--the midwives were changing their shifts now, so we were on our second wife: Felicia. The four hours of walking had helped me progress to nearly 4.5 cm! Wow, this is slower than I thought, I thought to myself, but still "we're making progress, and that is the point!" Now they had a room ready for us, and Felicia (I love you, Felicia) suggested that I take a BATH! I really thought I was being handed my perfect birth. One thing I had always dreaded about hospitals and labor was the lack of freedom regarding things like this, especially since we knew that I would be closely monitored throughout this birth which would affect my mobility. Of course, I had to wait a few hours before my bath and the contractions were picking up, but what did it matter, since I got to take a bath!

By about 10 a.m. they checked me again and I had progressed only to 5. This was the first time I cried. It took 3 hours to get .5 further?? Felicia calmed me down: don't worry, I think you are right on the edge of active labor and this bath is going to really speed things up. This next part of labor isn't going to be slow like the first part. Oh, Felicia, how wrong you were.

My mom got there in time to help me calm down and I got to take my promised bath. In every birth story I've read that involved water, it's like, they get in the tub and then they're at 10 and ready to push. While I didn't entertain such high hopes for myself, I did at least think we would get to that faster part like Felicia said. I stayed in the water as long as I could: my labor playlist repeated at least three times. The bath definitely helps w/ the contractions; that part is true.

Visualize, our birth instructors are always saying. Through most of my early labor I was visualizing a little baby girl sitting on top of a giant grassy hill with thousands of steps leading up to her. Every contraction was a step closer. Then I thought, I should really visualize something deeper, you know, like more Biblical. The only image that came to mind was an angel with a fiery sword saying "you must leave the garden!"

I was out of the tub around noon and back into bed. I wanted to try some different positions with my birthing ball, but there was major malfunctioning with a certain nurse, iv, and hospital robe, not to mention monitors. This was the beginning of a long frustration with cords and tubes.

Speaking of nurses, the one I had from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. was awesome. Mara, you are the best.

My contractions throughout all of this were completely unpredictable. They would speed up to a few minutes and then slow down to 7 minutes apart. It started to feel like a....laborinth (as ABQ celebrity birth instructor Pam England would say). Felicia came in to check me but said "oh you look so comfortable; I'll just come back later--don't worry, your baby is loving these contractions!" I was a bit relieved to know I had more time progress--because what with the bath and all, I was surely at least up to 7.

At 2 she came back and I was at 5.5. More tears. I really started to think that my body couldn't have a baby, especially since it had failed last time around. If I was a pioneer woman, I'd be dead. I wasn't suffering much physically other than just feeling really, really tired and thinking that the hardest part was still coming was really scary.

By 5 p.m. I started freaking out again, especially since this had been going on now for 24 hours. They had checked me and I was at 6, 6! people!! I was at least glad we weren't moving backwards, but it almost felt like we were. I thought Darwin had it in for me and that I was headed for the OR no matter how hard I tried to prevent it. I was afraid that all this would be for nothing, and that for the next month I'd be hobbling around Taos with an incision, not able to pick up my Heidi.

Then the nurse caught my attention. She was setting up baby stuff! Like the tray, and the things, and the stuff. Wow, maybe I'm actually getting close, I thought.

7 cm, people. And it was time for another shift change. That meant no more of my wonderful angel nurse, Mara. And no more Felicia. This would be our third wife of the night: Obi Wan Kanobi. Her method was to sit and do nothing, and let the force take over. Somehow the lights got dimmer (oh, wait, it was the sun setting), and things got quieter, and Obi took her position on the foot of the bed. It felt suddenly like I had traveled back in time, that we were in a Hogan and that the only thing missing was a smoldering fire.

Aside: before Heidi's birth, Oliver and I were invited to a special birth instructor training class by local celebrity writer Pam England (Birthing from Within). Did I already mention her? We were the trial students. Pam had a lot to say about the "divine femina" taking over during labor, which meant that the normal woman departs and a crazy banshee takes her place. In the class, she demonstrated this by jumping on husband (my husband) and shaking him silly while howling like a wolf. As we left the class husband turned to me and said "the divine femina just jumped my bones!" We had a lot of laughs from the class, but I do think there was some truth to what she said. Because at this point in labor (4 hours of transition) I kind of went crazy.

I was so tired and fearful and definitely getting uncomfortable that I started saying things I would just never say. And doing things I would just never do. Right? I won't repeat any of it here, but let's just say a certain nurse out there (we'll call her Tigger) definitely has it in for me if ever again I find myself in her care. You just don't waltz in and ask a woman at 9.5 how she is feeling. You just don't.

My mother and my husband were unbelievable. I could see how exhausted they were both physically and emotionally. I was afraid they were going to keel over and die right there on the spot. This caused me to freak out.

Then I was at 9.5 for an hour and wanting to push like crazy, but not even knowing how. Again, more freaking out.

Then I realized that if this part was like the first parts I would be pushing for at least 4 hours. More freaking out.

But I didn't swear.

Then she was telling me to push and my mom and Oliver were holding me and rocking me and telling me I could do it and somehow I was doing it. And that part really went fast and then there she was!! and I was holding her and it was everything I imagined and way, way better.

As "nondirective" as the midwives were, I really, really, loved the way they did everything. I was annoyed at the time, but looking back it was exactly what I wanted in a natural birth: they were helpful but not invasive; they did not once offer me any kind of pain control since they knew I wanted a natural birth. The only thing that scared me was at one point when Obi said that if I didin't progress further we might have to think about pitocin. But then I made it to 10! One reason I thought that Elsa wasn't really coming was because the room never filled up with 20 hospital workers and a bunch of bright lights, bells and whistles and people yelling at each other and me. It was quiet, just us, Obi, and Tigger (well, quiet when I wasn't talking out my feelings about every fear I'd ever had regarding labor). When Elsa came out, she didn't cry and go all crazy like you see in the movies. She was calm and watchful and snuggled right up.

But really, when I think about my natural birth, I feel like I didn't do much. I just laid there and breathed and husband and mom rubbed my back and got me through it. I feel like they had the harder job. In fact, I'm sure they had the harder job, especially there at the end. Plus, there is no way they were going to let me have any painkillers after all my years of wanting a natural birth. At one point I said "I want an epidural!" My mom quietly said, "we can discuss that," in the same tone of "you're getting a spanking," that I remember from childhood. I was not bringing up the epidural again, that's for sure.

And, now that I've been down both roads, I can say that from my experience, that C-sections are definitely the harder road to travel and I would opt for repeat VBACs in the future. But I also know that aside from being ridiculously long, my labor/delivery was about as good as they get, considering all the possibilities of what could happen. I had the two best people in the world supporting me and each other, and I love how everything happened, and especially that I'm walking around drug/pain-free with a happy, healthy baby girl (who was almost 8 pounds).

And if you want to pray, please pray that Elsa will get some more pictures taken of herself. I want to so bad but by the time I get to the camera it's long after sunset and we don't have "natural light."