Ever Striving:Repentance

I've had trouble this year sitting down to blog. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I have forgotten what else to say besides admitting to being constantly exhausted and overwhelmed, in short, complaining. I feel like I don't deserve to blog, don't deserve to have thoughts other than what needs to be done and feeling shame for what hasn't been done. I've said here before that this past year has been hard, I think every blog post has touched on that and I know that this time of life is just plain hard, in very physical ways.

But the truth is that often it is just my sin that makes it hard. It is my own refusal to accept the Gospel, that I am free from the inner chorus of condemnation, that my song is to be one of praise and thanksgiving rather than guilt that I don't have it all together and never, ever will. That's right, I never will.

Lent for me began with good intentions, giving up certain things to focus more on Christ, and for the first two weeks, it worked great. Then, I failed. The spirit was willing, the flesh always weak. Then I think, I am not alone. Perhaps that's what lent reminds us of--that we will probably fail, and that if we do not fail, the failure will be found in our pride that we did not "fail." And when I failed, the Gospel set in, reminding me that we will never keep the law perfectly, and that there, in my failure, is where the reality of Christ's victory becomes true For Me. That is what lent teaches me, and that is why, as Easter approaches, I am more ready than ever to shout "He is Risen!"

But this year in particular I received a special gift: our computer memory was getting too full, and so we had to go into emergency filmmaking mode, so over the past few days I've been looking at our cinematic records. I'm stunned at how much time has past since we crossed the threshold into parenting. I have gone from being the expert at marriage and family to knowing full well and shamelessly that I have failed at both, repeatedly. And that I will continue to do so.

I asked Oliver recently what my biggest issue is and he said it perfectly, exactly what I know in my heart: I have these ideals, these perfect pictures of how I want things to be and when reality doesn't match I go off into the dark side. I need to start going to the Cross instead.

But when I look at what I have been given, the greater reality is that He continues to give, continues to pour out blessing after blessing, regardless of the state of my heart or even my awareness of what is going on.

I'm so thankful for these videos. Because of the nature of my line of work, there is very little that I can remember or ponder deeply from day to day, it's hard to think clearly during those few moments I might have with the Lord or my own heart, or even with a dear friend. But as I view the footage, I can see His good gifts, so many of them, and even more, I can see that I saw them. I'm so thankful for every moment that I was compelled to pick up the camera and celebrate my family, my precious community. I don't remember deciding to take most of these videos, but somehow as things were happening, I knew it was a precious moment, a moment worth living for because He found me worth dying for.

And I want to take hold of it all even closer, love harder, laugh more, and give more thanks. Here is another old video, one I've posted before, but as I watched it again, celebrating my sweet middle child, it seems symbolic of the things I am thankful for, what has been given, and also where I feel so often that I am. Tottering onward and upward, ever striving, ever more thankful for what has already been Won.

He is Risen.